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“Do I matter?” I ask, looking out at my friends beautiful faces. Soft sand warms my feet. A vast blue ocean stretches away from the beach and over the horizon. Removed from this beauty, I am consumed by horror. From the tips of my toes to the cores of my bones I am cold and leaden, waiting for them to confirm what feels certain. That I am despicable and worthless. How did I get here? Why, in this moment, did I hate myself so profoundly? The answers to these questions communicate my journey towards self love.
These struggles with self worth are rooted in childhood stress. My early years were filled with happiness, and countless people who loved me. However, alongside my joy was pain. Each of my parents fights, and each promise to spend my life caring for my autistic brother was agonizing. I was unable to heal the horrific wounds around me, thus trapped in triviality and helplessness. Driven to dissociation and malice, I grew spiteful towards the world. My intense love for family and friends, and the happy days I spent with them coexisted with deep resentment and a subconscious drive to express it by hurting those I saw as beneath me. Through all of this strife, a lack of self awareness kept me ignorant of my pain and powerless to work towards healing. Thus, this continued until my home life truly fell apart.
Constructing an identity amidst my parents divorce, I built myself upon self loathing. Living with my mother in a new town, I was powerless to affect my separation from my father, brother, and friends; thus pathetic and worthless. A cockroach looked back from every mirror; while I spent time alone in my room desperately trying to escape my new reality. Amidst all of this, I was more than misery. I met lifelong friends and was happy much of the time. However, my undeniable sensitivity to the agony across my world, and belief in my inadequacy as fact left me in many moments malicious, and continuously lost. It would take years of growth and struggle to recognize this inner hatred, and begin to work towards self love and forgiveness.
Five years ago, I moved in with my father, and lived near many of my closest friends. This has enabled wonderful steps in my journey of self discovery. Within this supportive environment, I became conscious of the extent to which stress from my surroundings shapes me. I realized how critical and toxic my self perception can be to every part of my life. I began to heal. Constructing my identity drove me to recognize my view of myself as fluid, thus empowering me to change it for the better. Through conversations with close friends, with family, and with myself I completely changed my worldview. I, once a worthless rag, became fundamentally wonderful and deserving of love.
“Of course you matter Kevin.” The words pull me back to the beach. Desperately fighting the urge to dismiss them, I stare down at my feet. Cracks form in old, rigid walls as my friends message slowly trickles through. They crash to the ground as I allow myself to believe it. Despite the pain I have caused, inadequacy evaporates in the moment’ glimmering light. It will return, and be a part of me for years to come. But in this moment, this healing step, I am free. Overcome with gratitude, I hug my friends. Sapphire water, golden sand, and rolling clouds are indistinct from the warm embraces around me. The world is revealed as love.