Untitled
I’m riding BART by myself, I don’t remember where I was going but I had my bike and I was holding onto it with my feet so it wouldn’t roll away. I’m looking out the window, I love watching the scenery, watching the buildings as we go through Oakland. It was probably the late afternoon, but summer time so the sun is still blazing bright across the rooftops. We go underground and the window becomes a mirror and I can watch the people on the train. When we pop back up into the light, the people disappear. The train noise fills my ears and other then that there are no sounds on the train.
I’m sitting near the doors, trying to steady my bike when a man’ voice asks the silence if he can borrow someone’ cell phone to make a call. And honestly, I didn’t want to. So I didn’t. I sat staring out the window, away from the voice, waiting for someone else to hand him their phone. Maybe someone with a less expensive phone, or someone who was sitting close, someone without a bike they needed to look out for.
And I swear, the people on the train got so quiet. I didn’t really think they could’ve gotten any quieter, but they did. I felt like everyone was staring at him, and he asked again if he could borrow anyone’ cell phone, he just needed to make a quick call to a friend to say he was running late. I allowed myself to microscopically turn so I was facing my bike instead of the window. I felt so scared he would single me out and I didn’t want that. So I kept my head down. But I got more and more curious as the silence dragged on. What does he look like? His voice sounds a little raspy, a little eccentric, but not like the crazy guys on the bus or like the crazy homeless guys on Telegraph. He sounds young or middle aged, and I think he’ white. I tilt my head ever so slightly to see that yes, yeah he’ white. And he’ still asking, please can I just use someone’ phone for just a minute to call my friend. I really need to call my friend, he keeps saying, someone can someone please lend me their cell phone?
I feel ashamed. I also notice that no one else is handing their phone over either. A train full of commuters and no one budges. Old and young, black, latino, white, businessmen and students, parents with kids. I ride BART a lot, everyone does. People are usually courteous and kind to me when I lug this huge metal contraption with wheels into this tightly confined space. But it’ also true that no one ever talks, and no one starts up conversations with me. Street dancers perform on BART sometimes, and when they walk down the aisle with a tissue box for donations I always feel awkward. I’ll donate, or I won’t, but I always feel a little angry at them. Like, I didn’t ask for this dance show, and now you’re gonna have me feeling guilty that I won’t give you money for a performance I didn’t wanna see? That just feels really pushy to me. I don’t know, I feel bad saying it, but that’ honestly how I feel.
So I kinda get angry with the man. For talking so loud, for yelling at everyone. He could’ve just singled someone out that was close to him, asked them personally for a favor. There is almost cowardice in asking the whole trian. Cause he knows it’ awkward to ask for favors, so he’d rather ask everyone than one person to avoid their feeling of obligation.
And still, he’ asking for a cell phone. Now he’ kinda ranting about how no one helps each other out anymore. He’ right though. I start considering it. I’m not reaching for my cell phone yet, but I decide I should really let him borrow it. He’ not gonna steal it, he’ not gonna be weird, it’ just a phone anyways. Plus, what if one day I don’t have a phone and I really need to make a phone call and no one will help me out?
We arrive at MacArthur station, my stop is next. But this is a transfer stop so we’re here for a while and the doors open. People exit and others get on, and no one exiting offers help, they all walk right passed him. I’m sitting across from him facing forward and his seat faces in my direction. I still haven’t looked up at him cause I’m so scared. And I feel like I can’t trust him until I see his face, but I’m too scared to look up. The doors start to close and I still haven’t glanced at this guy.
Right then, someone comes running trying to get in before the doors close. I look up when I see the cell phone guy rush up to hold the door open for a man. The man thanks him, and sits down in the empty seat next to the cell phone guy. Now I look at him. The guy is white and he is middle aged, though younger looking and more well kempt than I assumed. He wears clothes that are a little off, but not on hippie or homeless level. He seems completely decent. I feel bad and I think, well it’ too late now your stop is next and you’ll have to go.
The cell phone guy has now turned to the man he helped, who’ looks to be a young up-and-coming business fellow, nicely dressed with a shouldered briefcase, and asks if he can borrow his cell phone for a quick call. The businessman almost immediately replies sure. I see the old lady sitting nearby raise her eyebrows just a little. I’m sure she’ thinking the same thing I am thinking, how stupidly selfish and untrusting she is. How easy that was once someone just said yes, while I’ve been here agonizing about it all along. We arrive at my stop and I get up and walk my bike out onto the platform. I ride home and think about the kind of person I am. Cause I can tell myself I am a good person, trusting or whatever. But we are made by our actions, and I didn’t hand the guy my phone. So that’ the kind of person I really am.