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For me, identity has always been a concept that’s been hard to grasp. Merriam-Webster defines identity as “the qualities, beliefs, etc., that make a particular person or group different from others.” This implies that different people or different groups have their own unique identity. From a young age, I believed that I lacked an identity; that I was different because I didn’t have an identity that I thought everyone else had.
When I was in elementary school, I thought my appearance was extremely boring; not that I was ugly, but that I was just really nondescript. I felt that I was just really, really average in all aspects, and that continued for quite some time. Generally, elementary school prepares us to move onto middle school and generally educates us on basic life and social skills. Middle school is where people start to find their interests, where different identities and groups start to emerge. People start to find hobbies, sports, activities, etc and begin to associate with others because of interests.
I was pretty lonely in middle school. I never had a friend group or sorts, and I never took any opportunities to really pick up any hobbies or activities. I remember playing badminton, tennis, piano, violin, taking art lessons, amongst others. I didn’t take a serious involvement in any of them. My time in middle school just contributed to the feeling that I had a lack of identity. My grades weren’t the best, and even when I played games for fun they were always just random arcade games.
I felt exactly the exactly the same through most of high school. The school I went to, Dougherty Valley, was and is extremely competitive. Being 70% Asian, I was part of that majority that was expected to be intelligent, hardworking, and ambitious. I just couldn’t find something that I could make a part of myself, find some interest so that I could be just like others. Some of the classes I took were because “everyone else (all Asians) was going to take it”. I ended up regretting taking these because I ended up having no interest in them and being unable to put in the effort to stay as competitive as my peers. It was very hard for me to make real friends because I had the sentiment that I wasn’t as hard working and competitive as everyone else and thus people wouldn’t like me.
In my senior year, a couple different things happened. First, I became very close to the guy who is now my best friend. He, like me, didn’t have any particular interests too and was pretty lonely too. I also started listening to electronic music and picked up cubing (solving a Rubik’ cube and other similar puzzles) as a pastime.
Each of these has altered the way I think about identity and how I conceive about my own. I began to see that maybe the environment and competitive nature of Dougherty Valley was just not for me and my best friend; that I shouldn’t let the way I think about myself. Finding my interest in electronic music within the large scope of music gave the idea that I had some of my own, unique interests, since a lot of mainstream music is pop, hip-hop, rap, and rock. This was further supported by my interest in cubing, an activity that no one I know really shares an interest with; an activity that is pretty unique in itself. It came to me that pure education isn’t everything.
I ultimately began to see my identity solidify. I saw that identity revolves around myself and not how I am compared to others. Going to college was another aspect of identity. It stopped mattering that I didn’t get into Berkeley (which by far had the most people attending from my senior class) or some prestigious private school. Instead I chose UCSC. I focused on the bright side, how close it was to home and how nice the environment was. Coming to UCSC was almost like jumping into a different dimension. The atmosphere wasn’t just about competitiveness anymore, it was also a lot about being social, being different, and so much more. It was impossible to have the mindset I used to have, because everyone was unique. There was no real “majority” like the Asian majority of Dougherty.
Today, I accept who I am. Although my identity hasn’t been completely determined, but I accept that I am young and have much to go. I find it most important that, I do have an identity and its uniqueness drives me forwards in life and allows me to live without regrets of thinking I am a dull and featureless.