Mixed Feelings
I was 17 when I left Chinatown, San Francisco and spent my summer in Italy. I studied abroad in Ferrara, Italy for the summer, hoping to immerse myself in a new world and learn Italian. Little did I know that I would have my first relationship in Italy with a boy from New England named Matt. Matt is white and from Maryland. He is tall with radiant blue eyes and silky blonde hair. We met through CIEE, a study abroad program that recruits students from all over the US to attend study abroad trips together. We experienced many firsts together.
One night, after dinner with my Italian host family, I went downstairs and I saw Matt ready with his bike. I was finally going to learn how to pedal the wheels and not completely collapse. We decided the alley behind the apartments was best, since there no one could see us.
“Look forward,” he said. “Don’t worry. If you fall, I’ll catch you.”
I laughed nervously at his confident but gentle smile. I gripped the handlebars tight with my feet barely touching the ground. I clearly had no control. But after a couple of seconds, I started leaning towards one side. “Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap,” I thought. I immediately felt myself falling and then I felt Matt’ hands around my waist, holding me tight. He did it again and each time I started tilting to one side – he caught me.
I finally got the hang of riding a bike and Matt ran next to me while I pedaled on, just in case I fell. I biked with him running next to me all the way to the center of Ferrara, where we shared a drink and talked for hours.
Eventually, I fell for Matt and told him that I liked him. He said he had the same feelings for me, and so we started dating. For one moment in time, I was in Italy holding hands with a boy, I couldn’t even make up, in all of my wildest dreams.
Growing up Chinese, I was always told: You have to marry someone Chinese. Not Japanese or Korean – only Chinese. I couldn’t even consider the idea of saying “I do” to anyone white, black, Hispanic, or Latino. My family always reminded me that the Chinese should only marry Chinese people because communicating with other races is hard. Other races won’t understand us and appreciate our culture and the traditions and practices we have. Living in Chinatown, San Francisco and being surrounded only by people who looked just like me only emphasized this challenging rule. Because of the tiny bubble I grew up in, I thought I would only date Chinese men, marry a Chinese man, and live happily ever after raising a Chinese family.
This idea mostly worked because I went to a predominantly competitive Chinese high school. I wonder if things would have been different if Matt and I met in Lowell H.S. Would he even look at me? Would I have glanced at him? Surely, we could be placed in the same class, but we wouldn’t be friends in the same social groups or hang out. Many cliques in my high school are separated by race. The Asians have their own karaoke and breakdancing club. African Americans had their little cliques, and the white cheerleaders and football players were in their own pretentious group too. The majority of the couples in school were the same race too. I can’t recall seeing a white guy holding a chinese girl’ hand in the hallway. It also seems like there are racial hierarchies. My grandma said if I marry someone black, she would kick me out of the house.
Do I really want to live in a world where I can’t like cute tall boys with silky blonde hair? I liked Matt for his gentle care and how he wanted to teach me things and protect me‚Äînot because he was white. Love should be about loving someone, regardless of race, for who they truly are. It’ the same idea with LGBT. We all should feel free to love whoever we want and restricting one group restricts all groups. Society has to normalize freedom in affection. They have to normalize mixed race and mixed gendered couples. We need to see more of them. More children to be open about being the children of mixed heritage. It’s not until we normalize it, that people will see the absurdity of their ways. My hope for me is that I’ll have the courage to love whoever I want and that I’ll live in a world where my kids will feel the freedom to do the same.