Mountains and Holes
It’ somewhere between the hours of midnight and two in the morning when everyone is either asleep or forgetting what time it is because of what they’re doing. Maybe they’re having fun with their friends. Maybe they’re studying and cramming for a test that they just remembered was going to take place the following morning. Maybe they’re binge-watching a popular series and they’re nearing the last episode before they have to wait for the next season. But what am I doing? I’m the person outside thinking about what other people are doing. The night is the perfect time to think about anything. The darkness that envelops each and every space gives the perfect setting to see with my mind. To be able to create a world of my own with my imagination, a sandbox of endless possibilities to take me anywhere I want to go. The silence of the night also gives my mind full opportunity to fill it in with any sound. In other words, my imagination is increased ten-fold.
Sometimes I like to think about a fantasy world where reality becomes a role-playing game where before we began our lives we got to choose or roll ability statistics that determine our physical characteristics such as strength, dexterity, intelligence, and luck, as well as personality traits like charm, willpower, etcetera. Sometimes I like to think about multiple different paths that I could have taken in my life. For example, I’ll ask questions like, “What if I never stopped playing the piano? What if I never picked up the violin and only played piano during that time? Could I have been good enough to play in a well-known orchestra?” This thought develops and I begin to think what it would be like if I had lived in that reality. All of these thoughts are fun to think about, but my favorite stop in my train of thought has to be self-improvement.
Self-improvement is my favorite because in my mind it’s a mountain. To be more specific, a never-ending mountain, with mountains on top of mountains because life is one huge mountain made up of other smaller mountains. I like to think about it this way because there is no one right way to climb a mountain. There are brute force methods and technical methods to climbing this mountain. But most importantly, this is a climb that can be done with other people. It is this thought that gets me pumped up about improving myself because the more people you have with you, the more ideas about how to climb are revealed. Everyone’ talents intermingling with one another. Everyone looking out for each other and double checking our lines to make sure we don’t end up slipping and falling. Everyone collaborating with each other to figure out the best possible way to move forward. Everyone moving at an incredible pace. However, this is an ideal case. This climb is a race. A race with no rules. A race with no regulation. A race where everything is okay. A race where you can’t blindly trust people. It’ disheartening and mind-breaking when you do everything you can to achieve that ideal climbing situation. To only then get used as a stepping stone for someone else so they can progress without you. To leave you there to slip and fall. This is when things get dark in my mind. This where I fall endlessly into a mindset of never-ending torment. The idea that everyone out there uses each other to further advance their own selfish interests. The idea that no one cares for one another. Many times I have been stabbed and left to slip and fall. Many times I have been abandoned and left in silence. Many times people have pinned me to the mountain with a stake. But at this point, I think to myself, “Is this even a mountain?”
The hatred and sorrow that build up within my mind give a reality that I am most fearful of. A reality that life is a never-ending hole of darkness. A false truth that a light exists at the mouth of this hole that we are at the bottom of that causes people stab and kill one another just so they can reach it. The rancid stench of decaying flesh and bones fills the entire space. The heavy weight of guilt, hatred, and sorrow, weighing down on my shoulders and my back. The anger and hatred driving me to do the same to others. I find myself standing on top of the bodies of people I’ve cared for. But, have I cared for them at all? Did I fall into a lie that I once told myself? Do I actually care for people? Am I selfish?
One of two things happens at this point. The first being a quick denial of the thought. I think to myself, “No! I AM a selfless person who loves to help and be nice to others. I love making people happy, and I always put others before me,” and I quickly forget I even had the thought and I go back inside. The second, an outcome I feel is much worse than death. Actually believing this reality. The feeling of a million knives being driven through my body, followed by a feeling of hatred and sorrow. Parts of me pleading to others to help me out of this hole I have fallen into. I am consumed by the darkness. I am consumed by the sounds of screams and hatred. “No one cares about you”. “You’re selfish”. “Everyone is lying to you”. “You’re lying to yourself”. “You don’t care about anyone else”. This mental torment lasts until I am the last one standing in that reality, or until I accept the statements that are presented to me. Unable to determine which is a better choice. I simply accept and believe, and parts of me die every night this happens. And some nights are worse than others.
But in spite of all that, all the back-stabbing pain brought upon by other people, all of the abandonment I have experienced, I choose to continue to think reality as a mountain. I’ll keep trying to climb. Even if I have to climb alone I’ll climb. I’ll deal with the torment and I’ll atone for my selfish deeds. I’ll get ahead of everyone else. And I’ll help everyone up. I will prove to myself and everyone else that I am not selfish. That I do not wish to cause harm or be a burden to anyone.